I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
