I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
