dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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