You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
