Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
