someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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