Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
