Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
