Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
