Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
