a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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