Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
