I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
