is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
