You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
