We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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