PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
