apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
