When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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