My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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