Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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