sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
