Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Im part way to drunk.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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