Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's like God shit irony all over that family
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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