so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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