the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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