I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
