in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
