buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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