Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
