You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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