so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
