my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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