There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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