she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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