I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
