i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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