so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
