Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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