i think my tv is drunk
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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