Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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