the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
