just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
