Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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