Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
