apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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