i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
