Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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