no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
