Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
