Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
